My head is filled with disease . . . I want so much to believe

This one's a doozy, so if you're just here for the knitting, "Move along, move along." Trust me on this one. Really, it's just for me because I have to get this out, but read it if you want. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Last chance to bail out.

I swear I'm going to lose it here.

If you're still reading you must be a glutton for punishment.

Ok, here goes, all my issues served up raw on a plate:

I want to be complete. I want to feel loved and wanted and needed and all of that mushy stuff. I keep holding on, knowing one day my prince will come, but the clock is ticking. And it's been ticking for a while now. As much as I might protest, I really want to begin a family of my own. I want the white wedding and the two kids and the great big backyard for all the neighborhood barbecues. Everyone else in my life is getting there, so what about me?

I guess I had that chance with my last real boyfriend. He would've given me all of it. But he just wasn't the one. At the time, hey, no big deal because I've got time and all. But now, five or so years have passed, and I'm not always so sure it was the right move. I probably could have put up with all of his idiosyncrasies that drove me nuts, and not in such a good way. I'd be barefoot and pregnant by now, probably a few times over. But deep down I know that isn't right either. How much does a girl need to put up with to get the things she really wants?

Truth be told, I want the reality, and not just the facade. That's what's been holding me back all of this time. It has to be just right: the timing, the guy, and everything else. Is there a point where you just give up and hold on to the one you think you can live with even if love's not there? I don't have any prospects per say on this front either, but I'm a good enough person, I could meet someone like this. Even if sparks don't fly, maybe it's time to admit defeat and accept someone that I could grow to love.

Some part of me is completely unwilling to do this, to settle. I guess I'm a true romantic at heart. But seriously, I'm reaching that point where I will soon just decide to be the scary cat lady that all the neighborhood kids are afraid of, the one in all the Stephen King movies. I think I'm afraid to share too much of myself with another person, for fear of rejection. Maybe this blog entry is just the "safe" way of telling the world how terrified I am of exposing myself. Whatever it means, I'm glad to get these feelings off my chest and I hope anyone who's reading this can forgive me for unloading this anger/pain.

I know he's out there, but if he could just hurry up already. I don't know how much longer I can hold out waiting for "the one." So if you're still reading and you know anyone who you think might be the one for me . . .

While it seems a bit anticlamactic, I still feel the need to update:
Previous Title: Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young, "Teach Your Children"


Anonymous said...

I definitely need to include some chocolate in the next SP package! Sounds like you're in need of some cheering up - too bad I can't knit up Mr. Right for you. Consider yourself hugged in the meantime.

No words of wisdom here - only I think you made the right decision 5 years ago. Keep on doing the things that you enjoy and that make you happy.