I remember feeling low

Hello there. It's been a long while. Since the last post, so much has happened in my life - almost all of it has been good news. But the thing is, I've been in a bit of a slump lately. I don't know why or what it's all been about, but I just haven't been able to shake the feeling. It feels stupid and selfish given all that's been going right for me lately and yet I can't seem to get over myself and just be happy. I think maybe I'm not used to feeling like things are going my way and that idea kinda scares the shit out of me. It's not like things have ever been particularly difficult in comparison to what most people's lives are like, and it's certianly not like I have any right to compain. But for a long time now, that's just the way I've been feeling. Maybe I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out (is that even the right metaphor?). I've certainly been having my share of nightmares of things going wrong. There was one about finding out that my apartment didn't go through because they wanted a $30,000 security deposit that I wasn't willing to give. Sure, it could happen. Even more believable is the one about the tadpoles that we were caring for in my classroom. I walked in and they had sprouted wings and were flying around the room. Clearly possible. My personal favorite and most recent is a dream about showing up at Harvard and finding out that they never got my response to accept the offer of admission. I swear no drugs have been involved in creating this dreams.

At any rate, and perhaps most importantly, today things have been different. It was a beautiful sunny day, not too hot and not too cold. The sky was one of those Magritte paintings with the white fluffly clouds against a soft blue background - I love when the clouds do that. I left school happy today. I went to Whole Foods for some groceries - still happy, and I HATE going grocery shopping. I got home and finally did some packing. I can't tell you how long I've been trying to make some progress in packing my apartment, but today I feel like I finally did. I made a solid effort in the bedroom (that sounds so dirty) and packed up a good portion of the closets as well as a bureau. I even got rid of four trash bags of unused stuff (three for donations and one real trash). Pretty good, no?

For the life of me, I'm still not 100% sure of what's been up with me lately but I'm glad things seem to be turning around. I'll try to keep on looking for that silver lining.


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